The exact name of the article that ran in the Omaha World Herald was, “Opposites may attract, but the happily-ever-after takes work”. It talks about a couple that had love at first sight, and how the couple had some differences in their personalities as well as their backgrounds. And they began to “bump heads.” An important line in the article: “the more important a value is to someone, the more it is that his or her partner shares that value.” And I also agree with the statement: “They need to discuss their differences to find a solution that works…” (The article ran on 2/7/2017.)
So how important is it that couples be alike? That is a difficult question to answer, and the best answer probably is something like, “It depends on the couple.” There are many couples that are very different in some ways, yet they work it out. And there are couples who are alike who don’t. Perhaps what is most important is how they make room for the other’s ideas and values, and how they are able to maintain their own sense of values while working through issues that come up for each other.
I felt that I personally learned that being alike or different may not be the most important factor in making a relationship work when I was in graduate school and was in a testing course. We looked at a couple who were the same on an inventory, and who also were divorcing. As I recall it, the instructor mentioned that he and his spouse were opposites on the same inventory, and they, too, were divorcing. You need to be careful about generalizing from one example (two in this case), but throughout my career it has seemed that the issue of how alike a couple is to one another is not the crucial factor when working on the relationship, or when working in couples therapy. It is how much they can work out their issues in ways that works for both of them, and how much they are able to work to become a couple (a system that works for both of them).
In summary, accepting of self and other is crucial, as is the ability to work to becoming a mutually satisfying couple. Accepting self, accepting other, and changing to become a mutually satisfying couple are the keys to a lasting relationship.
Best I can tell, lying has been around a long time. And its many forms have been around for a long time as well. The many forms I am referring to include covering up, making up, omitting, white lies, etc. Realize that experts (see Pamela Meyer at a TED Talk: http://www.ted.com/talks/pamela_meyer_how_to_spot_a_liar) will let you know that we all lie. Many times the lying is not so very bad in nature, but there are also many times when it causes significant problems. When a person asks his or her spouse how they look, the response on some occassions has embellishments. We don’t always know how truthful we should be when answering a question about how someone looks. Realize that there are lies that are intentional, when you say something that is not true (lies of commission) and lies that are also intentional, but when you don’t say something that might cause you a problem (lies of omission).
With couples, they all have to work out the truth/lies issue with each other and they all do it in their own ways. Sometimes we don’t want to know the truth and so we ignore aspects of another’s behavior. And at other times we want to know the truth and we go after it. Couples will bring to therapy how they have suspected an affair for years but never talked about it until they saw a text proving it—in a way, they may not have wanted to know the truth. There are also the cases the come to counseling where once the secret is out, the offended party looks everywhere and wants to know everything about the lie.
What does this mean for you, your other half, and lying? You two have your relationship at stake and how you choose to live your life and how you choose to lie and tell the truth will determine the fate of your relationship. One of the most difficult issues that comes up in couples counseling is not just an affair, but the lying and feelings of betrayal that are felt when the secret(s) come out. It is worth your time to work on, as a couple, how truthful you are being with each other.
I continue to learn about how to work with relationships as I do it. I hope this shows that I am progressing, getting better at the craft of helping a couple change. I learned a lesson in “arguing simply” today as I got in the middle of a couple’s argument and took it apart. I really did this by doing a few different things that might instruct you on how you could change your arguing and get better at it. First, I made them stop the activity they were doing, that is, arguing in their old way (which included talking at the same time, pushing too hard with their thoughts, giving all kinds of reasons that they were right–these were just a few of the patterns they were caught in), their same old pattern.
Stop doing the same thing that doesn’t work.
Next I took one piece of what they were talking about and got them to focus on that. I used yes/no questions, I kept stopping them from telling me why their side of the argument was so right and got each partner to answer the yes or no question, building a resolution to their problem.
Stick to one piece at a time. Get down to the basics of what makes up that piece.
Then I moved toward how close together or far apart they were from each other on the issue. In this case, it was amazing (but not that uncommon) that they actually agreed on the issue (the number of times they could each take a short vacation each year), but they still wanted to argue about it. But they were much less argumentative as things got narrowed down. And when I showed them that they actually agreed, they stopped arguing.
If you agree, stop arguing about it; if you don’t realize that you agree, make sure you don’t agree by clarifying each side.
If they had not agreed, I would have worked towards a compromise, learning about them in the process. Almost all the time there is a disagreement, couples can get to agreement (sometimes that is a compromise, sometimes it is not) if I keep them working on one idea at a time. But we also often, at this point, move to how one or the other feels about the issue or a solution or agreement. This (feelings about it) also is crucial to getting a couple to work together about an issue. If one or the other agrees, but with resentment, we have to address the resentment if we are goint to make things work.
If there is resentment, then you don’t have a very good agreement that will probably fail (unless the couple have a power differential, which brings up different issues).
In this particular case, I kept working the other pieces of their perceived differences about the topic (travel, in this case). After getting the first agreement, it was much easier to complete the other aspects of the topic (longer vacations, overnights, travel together). They felt that we had accomplished something, and they had–they had resolved something that they had fought about for a long time. And that is a skill worth improving in any relationship.
Over the course of time and working with couples, I have seen statements being made that are often misunderstood by the spouse or significant other. Given that I am sitting back a bit from the argument, I can see it more easily. I have named this particular kind of statement a feeling statement. Feeling statements are ones that are made, often in an argument, and they are often strong, generalizing, and, most importantly, are true in some ways but not others. “You always put me down,” would be a good example. As a fact, it is probably never completely true. As a feeling expressing the pain of feeling the put down coming from a significant other, it is accurate. When one person of a couple makes a feeling statement, the other often denies it, argues it, gives examples of how it is not true, which usually makes the first person even more upset because he/she is not being heard. But the first person, the person making the feeling statement, also is communicating in a way that can be taken the wrong way and often is. How to deal with feeling statements?
The person is wanting to be heard about an important issue. Can you do that? Can you just listen to what the person is feeling strongly? Second, as alluded to above, it is best not to counter it in any way, at least not in the moment. Can you just hear her/him out? Even if you feel what is being said is wrong or incorrect?
I find that the second person, the one receiving the feeling statement often feels a burning desire to correct the (perceived) misstatement, but the first person is believing (and feeling) it when such a statement is made. It is not a misstatement and it certainly feels like the truth. I push for the couple to let the feeling statements to be made, and the receiver take it an hear it for what it is—a strong statement of feelings. This can be a crucial part of moving communication forward.
Most couples are not very aware of a powerful and deep way of interacting that happens between them. I often see it in the office. One person has feelings, usually anger or frustration (though it can be other feelings) and the other individual responds, often matching the feeling intensity of the first. There are many times that the second one to respond has an even stronger response. There is nothing wrong with this pattern in and of itself, but there are many times that couples head into increasing emotions, changes of topic, and a loss of any chance at resolution about the original topic. In the typical pattern just presented, there are many places a therapist can intervene. For example, helping the couple to get back to the original issue can help to resolve the original issue, keeping the couple focused on that issue. One person feeling emotion almost always causes emotions to occur in the others who are present. And because couples can have a pattern of wanting the other person to change, the second person in the scenario may well be feeling defensive and/or attacked as well as just have feelings in response. The brain is faster (some say three times as fast) at this kind of perceiving and feeling than at many kinds of thinking, so your emotional response will be significantly faster than your thinking. It is important for you to be aware that you are having feelings when others are feeling “towards” you or even with you.
So for couples, they often don’t see that they are responding strongly to the others feelings. Just being aware of this fact can help you to work to be a little more objective, to sit back when you are in an emotional conversation and not just respond because you have been “activated.”
Brene Brown gave a TED Talk (https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability?language=en) on “The Power of Vulnerability” in 2010. That TED Talk has been watched over 26 million times. Perhaps there is something she is saying that resonates with many people, eh? In that TED Talk, she says a number of important statements, and a couple will be repeated here. She says that you cannot selectively numb and as she explains it, she means that if you work to numb down one emotion, then all of your feelings are effected. And she also says that we pretend what we do doesn’t effect others. Both of these statements were relevant to what couples sometimes bring to couples therapy. One of the two begins to do something and he or she pretends that it doesn’t effect the other. The other may well be hurt by the action or words and after enough encounters, the other begins to numb. In couples work, there is a strong dictum that the therapist has to go after both parts of the problem, has to work with what both sides are doing to make things work, has to go after getting both of the parties to change problematic behaviors. Interestingly, both of the actions mentioned here are not about being more vulnerable with the spouse, and they may even be the opposite, that is, they may work to decrease vulnerability. Every couple gets to decide how vulnerable they are going to be with each other, it is their relationship. In couples therapy, there is often a need to get the couple back to being at a comfortable level of vulnerability, rather than, from the example above, from the situation where one is living in a way that he or she believes problematic behavior is not really a problem and the other is numbing emotions to a better state of increased vulnerability and openness where they are both realizing that what we do and say matters and neither a numbing feelings and shutting their system down.
Watch the talk. See if you can increase your vulnerability in your relationship, if you want to.
I have written about “the edge” before, the place where each person in a duo rubs against one another in a way that doesn’t work well, is irritating, causes problems, and usually makes both really mad (whether he/she shows it or not). Every couple that I have encountered in my office that comes for more than a brief time gets to their edge. Most couples that only come once or twice without much relief were entrenched in their edge and so lost in it that they really didn’t want to change and couldn’t come back to therapy because they were quiting something (their relationship, trying, therapy). It often happens, with many couples (of any kind): when you are together enough, the edge(s) comes out.
The hard part is moving away from the focus on what he/she has to change and to what I have to change. Any change in either of the parties begins to get things going in a new direction, opens up new possibilities, begins to circumvent the old ways of doing things (read that as: changes the old ways of useless arguing). It is always easier to want someone else to change. It is hard to change your edge, a weak part in you that you hardly know. It is very often the answer to how to get significant change for the couple.
So, looking at what was so upsetting for you, then moving to what you need to change is a way to walk up to your edge, a way that you are weak and causes problems for your significant other(s). See if you can shine a light on yourself, into the shadow, at your own edge, then see if you can work to change that. Results will follow.
“When you tell lies, it costs your brain a heck of a lot more resources than when you tell the truth.” Dr. Kang Lee, a professor at the University of Toronto, (https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/politicians-lie-actually-were-all-pretty-good-at-it-by-age-5/2016/04/28/7ca64708-073a-11e6-b283-e79d81c63c1b_story.html).
I quote Dr. Lee because he supports something I have seen in couples therapy and relationship therapy with individuals for a long time. Most, if not all, of the clients who come to me that are harboring important information from their spouse or significant other will, at times, talk to me about the burden of keeping secrets. And there is almost always some relief (often along with other consequences) when the secrets come out.
My point? Keeping secrets is a powerful and often devastating issue in relationships, and it takes mental energy to keep them. What do you want in your relationship? What happens if you open up and share your secrets? And what happens when you don’t?
I do not see my job as a couples counselor to get people to tell there secrets. But it is also not necessarily my job to help them hold their secrets. One goal of my work is to help the clients that come to me to understand the consequences of their thinking, their feelings, their actions, and their secrets. That is, in many ways, the focus of couples and relationship work (and the latter is often done in individual therapy). I don’t know what the best thing is for you to do with your secrets. But couples therapy, relationship therapy, and individual therapy are all ways that a therapist can help one to figure out the costs and benefits of secrets, as well as what they are thinking and feeling.
It most cases, it doesn’t, but let me explain some different things to you about therapy and insurance.
People often think they can use their insurance for couples counseling or marital counseling. And prospective patients will call and ask if I “take” their insurance. Let’s look at these two issues.
The vast majority of insurance does not cover couples counseling or marital counseling. There are a small few that cover (I have heard the insurance for Google covers couples therapy but I don’t know that for sure) and I once heard the Blue Cross paid under one of its many plans. And sometimes therapists will bill for one of the couple if he or she has a diagnosis, but that can be tricky. If the session does not deal with the issue the patient with the diagnosis brings, then it should not be billed as part of the treatment for the patient. It is usually best to assume it is not covered, BUT to find out for certain call your insurance company and ask them if couples or marital counseling is covered under your specific policy.
Many therapists, myself included, can bill most every insurance company for you, and in that way they/I “take” your insurance plan. You may be asking if the therapist will send in your claims. Some therapists don’t, but most do. I am set up to easily send in (also called “submit”) your claims.
But you are probably actually asking (when you say, “Do you take my insurance?”) is if the therapist is “in the network,” “in your plan,” or “in-network.” A therapist is in or out of your network and you can usually look that up online or you can ask him/her. Rarely, but it does happen, a provider can get on your plan to work with you, temporarily work with you for an agreed upon rate. Sometimes that works out well enough that the therapist will do it, and there are times when it will not be enough of a benefit for the therapist to make that choice. When a therapist is in your network, you will, most likely, have to pay less to reach your deductible (the part you have to pay in full before insurance starts paying), your co-insurance will pay more (meaning that when your insurance does start paying they will pay more of the total allowed fee than if you use an out-of-network provider), and your out-of-pocket-maximum will be less than when seeing an out-of-network provider (meaning you will pay less overall, “out of your pocket,” to see the in-network provider than the out-of-network provider). So you will, most likely, pay more out of your pocket and your insurance will pay less for you if you see someone out-of-network. But realize that many plans still pay well for you to see an out-of-network provider. I have seen multiple patients where the out-of-network rates paid just under 70% of the fee when the deductible was met, and I have seen patients where their out-of-network portion was much higher than their in-network costs. The best way to know, again, is to call your insurance company and ask.
So if it costs more, why would anyone choose to see a marital or couples counselor who is out of network? It will usually cost more, but it is more private (the insurance company is not a part of it and doesn’t not know anything about it). You may also be willing to pay more to see the provider of your choice. A better qualified provider may well save you money in the long haul.
Whatever the case, I am always willing to help you get to a therapist if I am not the right one for you, if I am not under your plan and you need the savings that an in-network provider would bring you. If you need the help, it is important to go and get it!
In my professional information I recently received the following information:
APA member Scott Pytluk, PhD
Bucket list for two: Sharing wildest dreams can bring a couple closer — Chicago Tribune
“When partners plan for the future together, as long as there’s flexibility in it, they’re expressing a joint sense of hope about their lives together. Couples flourish when there are mutually agreed-upon goals and dreams.”
I believe that this kind of information can be valuable to couples, so I am passing it on to you. Try to share your dreams. Work on goals and dreams together.
And I am a couples and relationship therapist. A couple that is in trouble can often not share “wildest dreams” with one another. So we could use Dr. Pytluk’s information in this way also: if you can’t share your wildest dreams with each other, why not? Often the answer is because there are tensions or problems in the relationship and the couple doesn’t want to share much of anything with each other. So if you can’t share your wildest dreams, can you talk about what is bothering you with him/her? If you can’t talk with each other without getting into an argument, perhaps it is time to see professional help (couples therapy, I would recommend).
So how well are you talking with each other? Can you share your wildest dreams? How about what is bothering you (in a way that your significant other can hear you)?